A Family Business: Nepotism in the Church
“If that’s what you want to do, you’ll need to marry a pastor.”
These words echoed across the room after I told my mentor/pastor’s wife that I wanted to go into full-time ministry; specifically, as a writer and teacher of God’s Word. I didn’t know a whole lot about the inner workings of ministry at the time—I didn’t grow up in Church and I had only dedicated my life a few years earlier in high school—but something about those words didn’t sit right with me.
Why should my role in the Church be tied to who I married? God had called me to serve in His Kingdom; isn’t that what matters?
Her words were well-intentioned direction for my naive twenty-year-old optimism but they seemed out of place. I eventually went on to serve in a leadership role at that church and I married a guy in non-profit work, but now I see where her well-intentioned words came from.
She was right—it’s rare for a woman to flourish in ministry with no dad, brother, or husband tied to a leadership role. Think about it. How many women do you see gracing the church platform or leading behind the scenes that haven’t had a male relative in a position to give her those opportunities?
But this isn’t just about women; that’s only my initial experience. Having worked for many large ministries in the last two decades, nepotism runs wild in almost all. You might say it’s a family business.
Time and again I’ve been passed up for roles or opportunities by someone with far less experience or service at the church but with the right ring on their finger.
I’ve also watched incredible people work tirelessly for an organization while less experienced family members of the leader(s) rose to the highest of roles. Exceptions made because of blood. Careers fast-tracked because of legacy. It’s rampant in the church if we’re honest.
I’m not here to call anyone out or even to say it’s wrong. Favoritism towards family was shown in the Bible and I get why. Ministry is hard and oftentimes we get hurt. Over time your circle gets smaller and trust is harder to extend. But your family, well, they have your back. You know them. And so it’s easier to offer those roles to them.
I get it, too; I’m a mom and I’m a ministry leader who has been hurt. It’s easy to keep those we truly know closest. And if my son grew up and wanted to work with me, I’d be thrilled!
The Dangers of Nepotism
But nepotism is dangerous and we must be careful. Here are a few reasons why:
Nepotism hurts people in the process.
When a leader promotes family over faithfulness, people get hurt. I've experienced this and I’ve talked to so many who have as well. Nepotism leaves grief and even trauma in its wake. Family is important, yes, but we must remember that we are all part of a bigger family in God's Kingdom. You have brothers and sisters not tied to your blood, but to Christ’s blood. Let’s be careful not to hurt our adopted family for the sake of comfortability or familiarity with our earthly family.
There’s less diversity in language and ideas.
A danger of nepotism is that it creates an echo chamber for your ministry. And within this limitation, there is less creativity. Less flow of ideas and thoughts that can serve the ministry well. But also less people challenging sin or bad calls they see in the senior leadership—less accountability. When we only surround ourselves with family, particularly in a professional environment, we risk losing diversity and the benefit of “iron sharpens iron” within the ministry.
The best people for the job aren’t in place and the ministry suffers.
If a family member is indeed the most qualified and best fit for the job, then that’s a wonderful place to be in. But this isn’t always the case. When we lean into nepotism, we miss getting the best person for that role and this can drastically affect the ministry. Blood doesn’t qualify or even equip; experience and calling do.
At this point you may be thinking: it happened in the Bible and God doesn’t directly call it out. That’s true. But there were also a whole lot of family practices going on back then that aren’t beneficial. In the New Testament, we see a slightly different picture.
James 2 tells us “My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory...But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors” (verse 1,9).
James is referring to judgments based on wealth and appearance but I submit this same spirit carries over into all forms of partiality.
God shows no partiality so why do we?
Do I believe that this one little post will bring down the oftentimes unjust practice of nepotism? No. But maybe it will ignite a thought or bring pause to the act in a few leaders.
Family members are wonderful people and a child who loves God is truly a blessing to a parent. I only ask those leaders reading this that you consider who you bring to the table. Your spouse and children are easy additions but they may not be the best—nor God’s choice—for the roles you are responsible to fill in partnership with God’s vision for the ministry.
I also encourage ministry leaders across the globe to embrace those who aren’t tied to a family member. Give opportunities to those others might not, especially women. It’s not okay that the few women getting opportunities to lead are often family members. God calls women to ministry who are not a sister, wife, or daughter.
In closing, I address the walking wounded who have been overlooked and forgotten in the rise to success of a leader’s family member. I’m sorry you were made to feel that way. You are valuable and have a purpose in the Kingdom. He still has a plan for you, you know. Trust that He can and will redeem all things for good.
P.S. Let me clarify that a woman serving in ministry who is married or related to a man in leadership can certainly be qualified for the position. I don’t want to negate the fact that many serving are called and gifted by God to teach and lead! And I think it’s beautiful when couples and families serve together. But let’s be open to the possibility that their giftings and calling might also not be on the stage; maybe it looks different than the man’s role. That’s all. And perhaps there are others in your church God wants to raise up!